Then something amazing happened on one of my most dreaded days of the year, Valentine's Day: we conceived our son. February 14, 2008, four years after Jer was killed, God sent us an angel on the same day He called one home. We'd been praying for a child for so long, was this really it? And what is God up to, with this "coincidental" date? You've peaked my interest, Lord. When it was time for the ultrasound to check for a heartbeat, I could have thrown up on demand. I just knew this pregnancy was doomed from the start, since that was my track record. But when we got there, our minds were blown away when we learned that we were having twins! TWINS! I'd lost two babies, now I'm having two babies! 8 weeks later, we found out that we'd lost one of our babies, yet again. I was numb and my mind was swirling....what now? What about the other baby? Are they OK?? And that is when I realized I needed God more than I thought. In the Bible, Jonah was in the belly of the great fish when he finally figured out that he better look UP or else. Jonah 2:2 ..In my distress I called to the Lord, and He answered me. From the depths of the grave I called for help, and you listened to my cry. Like Jonah, I was engulfed in despair and I was hosting an awesome pity party! How stubborn are we that it takes something bad to get us to turn to God? It was at that moment I remembered something my pastor said: "You can get bitter or you can get better. The choice is yours." I was so tired of carrying the burden and I decided to get better. Besides, I knew He wasn't going to leave me alone no matter how often I asked. I am His and the Bible tells me that He's going to finish what He's started (Phillippians 1:6). And how could I even think of asking God to protect my child after being so nasty to Him and being so angry at Him? Well I'm happy to tell you that my God is a God of second chances. I asked the Lord to forgive me for my doubt and anger and to fill me up with His love and grace. It was instantaneous! I felt such peace and when I saw Baby A on that monitor - thriving and wiggling - I felt such joy and happiness; something I'd not felt in a long time. It was at that moment I started counting blessings rather than my losses and the first blessing I started counting was that little peanut growing inside of me. Now don't get me wrong, I'm by no means saying that I never struggle; but what I am saying is that I try my best to shift my focus on the blessings in life rather than the heartache. Some may call this sugar-coating but I call it letting go and letting God. So this is February 14th, I am going to cash in on some of that grace that the Lord promised me and I am going to focus on the blessings. What could I possibly find "positive" about my cousin's death? I miss him and he should still be here...but he isn't! It was then that I remembered where he was! Jeremy is in heaven! He's up there with my three little souls that we never got to meet (and I bet he's making them laugh...he was such a goofball!). I smile through tears as I think about them. All of a sudden, the idea of celebrating a day to recognize "love" didn't sound so unappealing. It was God's unconditional LOVE for us that sent Jesus to die for our sins and save us if we ask Him - and because of this love, I will see my loved ones again. It was LOVE that God had in mind when He kept trying and testing me; it's just what I needed to come back to Him. It is God's LOVE that has mended my scarred, broken heart. It was LOVE between me and Brent that created our son. Love. It feels so good to have love, hope and peace in my heart. When my brother suggested the name "Jonah" for our son, I immediately loved it. Something real cool about the name is that it is Hebrew for dove....and the dove is the symbol for peace. Every time my little Jonah smiles at me I'm reminded of all of the LOVE and peace that the Lord has provided. His grace really is sufficient for me!
